Hey, guess what, it's Springtime

Yea, yea, it's been a while. Guess what? I have no sympathy. Here's what you've missed.

First of all, the band met Joe Biden. He promised all of us tax cuts, big ones.



We've got a new tree. We've got five new Dollies, they're pretty good, but I won't be impressed until Thunderstruck is choreographed.

At Dollie #1, with a heart of gold and an enthusiasm unknown to mankind, Alina "#1" Pimentel

At Dollie #2, CC and one more C, CC "#2" Chiu

At Dollie #3, with fiery feet of fire, Sarah "#3" Chang

At Dollie #4, Melissa "I'll be back '#4'" Schwartz

At Dollie #5, Alex, the tallest one, "#5" Nana-Sinkam

At Stanford Tree, you've seen him, you've certainly heard him, you may or may not have been high-fived by him...the one, the only, Ben "Bollox" Cortes



Our men's volleyball team decided that first in the MPSF wasn't good enough and that after going 3-25 in '07 the only appropriate finale was to be national champions. A noble cause indeed.



In other news we remain firmly planted as the second most controversial organization in the US.

The Final Two

San Antonio, day 5, Oklahoma's grave is still warm and our sights have already turned to our final foe. In our time we've played for the little children, held open practice with the team, battled for domination in the Alamodome, floated down-river through the center of San Antonio, and watched Nneka obliterate the hopes and dreams of the Soon'ers.

We've set up shop right on the River Walk, only a few blocks from the Alamo. The weather is hot and humid, which means that the band has taken to wearing even less clothing than normal, unfortunately we have yet to find any laundry services in the area.

In one more day we face the Husky Women.

We were on a boat.

Trees & Matzo

Having done a recent recap of 2009 we here at the LSJUMBlog think it only natural that we get everyone up to speed on our most recent activities.



Last week we were kindly invited to a tree re-planting ceremony on California Ave as crews labored under the stifling sun to give a silver lindens, southern live oaks, Freeman maples, Shumard oaks, valley oaks, and Chinese pistache trees. Turns out the sudden removal of the California Ave trees late last year caused quite an uproar among the citizens of Palo Alto. Above you can see the Toobz dancing with glee.

In other news the LSJUMB also made an appearance at a rally for campus unity at the Hillel House. They un-stereotypically offered us bagels, cream cheese, and lox. It is the recommendation of this particular blogger that you wikipedia "lox" before asking anyone what lox is, especially if that person is Jewish.

Dance Marathon, in a good faith gesture making up for last years miscommunication, brought us in early with plenty of time to play. The exhausted horde still mustered the strength to yell and rock out despite having danced for 23.75 hours straight. They also offered us copious amounts of food.



The day was made more complete by Tara and the basketball team going up 55-21 against USC. Unfortunately it was not to last and after a few glorious minutes Jayne went back to demolishing the Trojans.

Today (Sunday) marks one week until Dollie Day. Old fartz and young fartz alike should make haste back to campus where we wait with bated breath for this year's harbingers of joy and joyness.

Back and Bigger Than Ever

Back from a long hiatus, the LSJUMBlog is back in action.

A lot has happened these past months. We watched happily as thousands of USC fans poured out of The Coliseum while over eight minutes remained on the clock. Also the USC band is now proudly going on sixteen years without having learned any new songs.

The Notre Dame AD decided that if you have Jimmy Clausen and Golden Tate and you still can’t beat UCONN then perhaps you don’t have the schematic advantage that you thought you had. So five seasons of broken promises was enough and Charlie took his bowl o’ Lucky Charms and moved to Kansas City.

The Band went to El Paso and watched Arizona get completely demolished by Nebraska over our delicious enchilada dinner. At the Sun Bowl Battle of the Bands they tried to get us to stop playing but we were having none of that. We rocked so hard that the band following us stormed the stage to play ARN along with us. We won the Battle of the Bands by unanimous vote. Also, hello national television. Apparently the OU Band loves them some “Crazy Train”. They loved it so much they played it six times in one day (for the record that beats out UCLA’s five “Move Along” record set in 2008 at the Pac-10 Championship).

We celebrated New Years in the Stanford football parking lot. There were some laughs, some tears, and lots of enthusiasm. It was a time of reflection for the Band as we recalled 2009, a year filled with St. Louis and the Final Four, Martha’s Vineyard, an all expense paid Giants game, the end of Pete Carroll and Charlie Weis, and many other great memories.

2010 started with the administration making the enormous mistake of putting us up in the SLAC guest house, which for the record has terrible cell reception and all the coffee and bagels you could ever want, also the beloved birthplace of the microwave fo’tie.

In other news The Band has taken up men’s volleyball as a noble cause. Turns out it’s just as much volleyball as women’s but with half the red coats, and that makes it good.

Stay tuned for further developments. And for the first time ever, check online February 14^th for a live-blogging of Dollie Day, minute-by-minute updates with hard-hitting analysis and even harder-hitting limericks.

Hard'er?

Da scripts

Le Pregame

Intro: And now...back from self-imposed quarantine in Safeway's walk-in beer cooler, it's The One, The Only, The Truly Incomparable Leland Stanford Junior...University Marching Band!



1. Pigs are deadly!


Well ladies and gentleman we thought we made it through the summer successfully, but swine flu is making a strong comeback. Throughout history, the pig has been an extremely controversial animal. Some, like Jews and Muslims, choose to eliminate it from their diets entirely. Others, like Texans, will eat nothing else. But with the outbreak of this bubonic bacon, America is taking a different attitude toward the pig, one of sheer terror! Not since Elvis's last trip to the cardiologist has lil' Babe struck such fear in anyone's heart.


The Band plays "Spoonman" by Soundgarden

The Band forms a pig that promptly dies


2. Stanford bubble


Here on campus, Stanford administration has been hard at work protecting us from this hellish ham hex, going so far as to surround campus with a giant, impenetrable bubble. Hopefully, we will soon be able to apply this technology to other aspects of campus life. Yes, the isolation of the Stanford bubble should keep us safe all flu-season long. Remember, nobody in, nobody out.


The Band plays "Welcome to Paradise"

The Band forms a circle with Hoover Tower in the middle, accompanied by a prop pig

Jumbotron: Have camera follow pig on the field as it tries to break in to the "bubble" of students.


3. Full Moon on the Flu


Freshman on the lookout for love will have to look a little harder this year. As you may have heard, porcine panic has stricken down Full Moon on the Quad. Rumor has it roaming bands of loveless Stanford seniors will take to the streets in search of unsanctioned make-outs. But beware, another lonely creature stalks the night in search of romance, the pigs! So be careful who you smooch Stanford, because those pigs are have something much worse than bad breath!


The Band plays "Question!" by System of a Down

The Band forms a moon with lips
Jumbotron:

4. Student Health


So what can you, the student, do to protect yourself against this swine scourge, the answer lies at the bottom of a bottle. After all, alcohol kill germs, that's why it burns going down, right? At least that's what my frat bro said, and he's humbio. Pure science! So remember to drink up when you're on the Row tonight. That next jello shot or kegstand could very well save your life.


The Band plays "Life in the Fast Lane"

The Band forms PORK which changes to PARTY

Jumbotron: "PSA: Partying can save your life"


5. Squirrel flu


But now that birds and pigs are contagious, everyone is waiting to see which cuddly animal will be the next to strike fear into the heart of the World Health Organization. Our bet is on squirrels. With their pointy little teeth and their bushy tails made for carrying bacteria, squirrels are a prime candidate. It's only a matter of time before CNN debuts an animated graphic titled "Squirrel Flu: A Nation's Nuts Under Attack."


The Band plays "No One Knows" by Queens of the Stone Age

The Band forms an acorn

Jumbotron: "Squirrel Flu: A Nation's Nuts Under Attack." w/ picture of squirrel


6. When pigs fly


Hubris is the downfall of all great civilizations, and swine flu will prove the United States is no exception. They say American power is eternal, that we'll surrender when the world stops spinning, when hell freezes over, when pigs fly. Well, with flotillas of flying swine assaulting our nation with airborne flu, we may have finally met our match. Goodnight sweet prince.


The Band plays "Steam" by Peter Gabriel

The Band forms FLU which changes to FLEW accompanied by a prop flying pig

Jumboron: Camera on pig as it deploys wings.


7. Animal Farm


But who's to blame for this porker pandemic? Why, it's Dick Cheney! Having stumbled upon a copy of Animal Farm 5 months ago, he became paranoid that a pig-led socialist revolution might force universal health care on the masses. Using his remaining power in the shadow government, he developed a foolproof plan to keep those petulant porkers in their place. Clever work Dick, but your cover's been blown now!


The Band plays "Hey Big Brother" by Rare Earth

Band forms ORWELL which changes to OH WELL


Join us at halftime when we give unsolicited advice about tax evasion and establishing brothels. Until then, you've been watching The One, The Only, The Truly Incomparable Leland Stanford Junior...University Marching Band!


Der Halftime

And now, back from listening to our advisors tell us for the last time that freeze tag is not a major, it's The One, The Only, The Turly Incomparable, Leland Stanford Junior...University Marching Band!

1. Troy->Ploy

Throughout history the Trojans have proven a formidable foe. Their corpulent egos bloated with self-importance present a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. Nonetheless, a handful of mighty heroes have proven throughout the ages, that Trojans are by no means invincible. With a steady hand, a crafty battle plan, and a healthy dose of lowered expectations even the most unlikely of men can become mighty conquerors.

The Band plays "Stuff Like That" by Quincy Jones
The Band forms TROY which changes to PLOY
Jumbotron:

2. Trojan Horse

After ten long years laying siege to the unyielding walls of Troy, the brave Greeks were growing weary. When at last all seemed lost, clever Odysseus dreamt up a most improbable plan. Side by side the Greeks worked in secret to construct a great wooden horse, an ostensible sign of their surrender. Knowing the Trojans would blinded by their pride, Odysseus hid his mightiest warriors within the great wooden beast, the seeds of Troys destruction. That night, with the horse within its walls, Troy was put to the sword. The Trojans, it seemed, were as foolish as they were formidable.

The Band plays "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" by Hotei Tomoyaso
The Band forms a horse head
Jumbotron: "Trojan Horse"

3. Trojan Condoms

Though long since burnt to the ground, the walls of Troy still serve as a symbol of all things impregnable. On tv and radio, the Trojan man stands firm against the advances of youthful indiscretion. And like the walls of Troy, they may hold up ninety-nine percent of the time, but that one percent failure quickly becomes the only memorable event. As it is with walls, as it is with condoms, so it is with Pete "the Trojan Man" Caroll.

The Band plays "Take Me Out" by Franz Ferdinand
The Band forms PETE which changes to PWND

4. Stanford beats U$C

2007 seemed a doubtful year for the Cardinal to surmount undefeated U$C- coach Jim Harbaugh's first year rebuilding Stanford into the formidable force it had once been. And so, on a sunny October's day, Stanford's players strode boldly into the colliseum to the hateful sneers voices of eighty-five thousand Trojan fans, chins held high to stand their ground against the unbeatable juggernaut. With the last seconds ticking off the clock, Tavita Prichard launched a fateful pass over the heads of the unrelenting foe. With a mighty leap Mark Bradford pulled the ball from it's spiralling arc and as his foot came down within the endzone, the jeering fell to silence punctuated only by the sweet refrain All Right Now.

The Band plays "Our House" by Madness
The Band forms "24" which changes to "23"

5. UW beats U$C
Washington was coming off a downtrodden year. Whereas coach Tyrone Willingham had managed to lead Stanford to the Rose Bowl, he only led the Huskies to twelve consecutive losses. But redemption is always a Saturday away, especially when U$C comes to town. Taking down the Trojans is always good for what ails you. Oregon State can also attest to that. Just remember Huskies, we were ruining U$C's season before it was trendy.

The Band plays "Well All Right" by Santana
The Band forms BCS! which changes to BUST
Jumbotron: "We can all agree- USC Sucks"

Join us next week when we point out the secret socialist imagery hidden in the reliefs of Pauley Pavilion. Until then, you've been watching The One, The Only, The Turly Incomparable, Leland Stanford Junior...University Marching Band!

Stay tuned for some serious truth-telling.

Nice legs.

It's terrifying how a wig, a dress, a razor, and some makeup can transform an ordinary man into Marilyn Monroe.

But I digress.

This last Saturday saw Stanford football dominate Washington, 34-14. LSJUMB was there in traditional style, this week sporting an armada of bright-eyed new freshmen. It was the second week for our new-and-improved-and-also-longer-and-more-tiring-but-still-pretty-sweet cadence, wherein we send off the football team, circle the stadium pre-game and play for some tailgaters, and then kill time drinking gatorade, eating powerbars, and rolling down grassy hills.

Due to some glitches in the system, we ended up with an extended nine minutes for our pregame show. Swine flu jokes? Check. Giant prop pig? Check. Wings for giant pig? Check. Giant prop Squirrel? Uh... check. Hot squirrel on pig action? Well... Shotgun will post the script details for you eventually. Halftime featured some jokes on the always great topic of how lame U$C is, something that Stanford and Washington fans alike could certainly enjoy.

As always, the game ended but the band played on.

A little clarity

As you may have gathered from that link. There was quite an incident at Kal on Friday night. HOW-EVA, the article left out a few key details, chiefly: WE GOT THE LEAVES BACK. Kal fans went 0 for 3 in leaf theft thanks to Seth, the Band's advisor, CJ, our fearless Propz, and Bollox, our resident MMA fighter/snare sexion leader. Also, we liberated one the so-called lumberjacks' axe. We're still not entirely sure as to why they were there. They must have thought that they were at Humboldt State or something. Quite frankly, that was the angriest I've seen Kal fans in awhile, and they won too. Though they must have been alot angrier the next day.

The Daily Californian :: Three Arrested After Scuffle With Stanford Tree Mascot

The Daily Californian :: Three Arrested After Scuffle With Stanford Tree Mascot

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Scripts for San Jose State

As promised here was our pregame show:

SJSU PREGAME: Welcome, Freshmen!

and now, back from a summer of keeping vigil at Neverland Ranch, it's TOTOTTILSJUMB...

1. Internet Piracy

Well Freshman, as Stanford slashes budgets to keep up with the dying economy, the school's been making changes, and we're here this evening to help guide you through them.

Some of you may have been looking forward to unlimited bandwidth to illegally download the complete works of Miley Cyrus. Unfortunately, Stanford has been forced to revoke all student internet access. So, if you want to engage in music piracy, you're just going to have to do it the old fashioned way: strap-on an eye patch and board ye nearest galleon to Best Buy.

Song: Shipping up to Boston
Formation: Pirate face w/ eyepatch
Video Board: "Piracy was more fun the old fashioned way!"

2. $$Vaden$$

Your RA has surely recommended Vaden Student Health Services for all for your "private" health needs. Most students visit Vaden once a quarter for their allotment of a dozen free Trojans, watch out! if you're Huskie sometimes they break! But, budget cuts have forced Vaden to levy a $167 fee on all undergrads, which means those dozen free hook-ups will now cost you more than 10 bucks a pop. You know, it's a lot cheaper to be just friends.

Song:
Formation: PAY->PLAY
Video Board: "It's cheaper to be just friends!"


3. Pest Control

Stanford's squirrel population has driven acorn reserves dangerously low; and budget cuts have left us unable to protect our precious nuts. Therefore, the freshman IHUM program has announced that all freshmen with names A-M are now assigned to IHUM 43a: Introduction to Pest Control. Slingshots are available in the bookstore; show up to your first section with a squirrel in hand. As a bonus, you can sell your squirrel meat to Stern Dining!


Song:
Formation: Slingshot, shoots tubas, possibly also shoot t-shirts into the stands
Video Board: "IHUM 43a: Intro to Pest Control"

4. SLAC

Stanford and the Department of Energy have always had a working relationship with SLAC: the Stanford Linear Accelerator, unfortunately neither the government nor the university can afford to maintain the two miles of pipeline needed to accelerate experimental particles. So now Freshman physics students will report to directly to SLAC and earn valuable extra credit holding atoms and running into each other at great speeds.

Song:
Formation: Box, bandies holding atoms run into one another
Video Board: focus on colliding bandies

Outro: Breaking news, a new round of of budget slashing has cut ALL funding from student activities groups. Guess you'll just have to join the Band, Monday nights, 7 PM, at the Band shak, see you there! YBWTOTOTTILSJUMB

And here was our halftime:

Mark: Aaaaand now back from...

Kanye: Yo, Mark, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best halftimes shows of all time! One of the best halftimes shows of all time!

Mark: Shut up, Kanye, it's TOTOTTILSJUMB!

To deal with the many problems facing America today, we're going to look to historical precedents for solutions.

VIDEO BOARD, throughout show: "Warning: This show may contain satire."

1. The Great Wall

First up: illegal immigration! Looking to history, we realized that China's Ming Dynasty built the Great Wall to keep the marauding Mongolians at bay. Clearly, we too can just build a wall to keep invaders out. Wait… what’s that? The Mongolians conquered China anyway? I guess we should go back to the drawing boards.

Song:

Formation: Wall, people (wearing blue and gold?) running across the wall

2. King Solomon

Discussions surrounding Justice Sotomayor's appointment revolved around judicial impartiality. Arguments in the confirmation hearings that emotions should not be able to swing a Supreme Court decision. A valid sentiment, which dates back to the time of Biblical King Solomon, who, when presented with a maternity suit, simply decided to hack the neonate in twain. Oh… he didn’t actually hack a neonate in twain? Well, let’s just move on…

Song:

Formation: Stick figure splits in half

3. Prohibition

Next up, the War on Drugs. Drugs bring the worst out of us, tearing families apart and destroying our society. We can think of another substance that leads to this moral decay: alcohol. We find guidance in our own past in the Prohibition, totally banning all alcohol to fight the problems from the source. Oh, is that wrong as well? It led to unparalleled crime and rampant corruption? Well, maybe it’ll work out better this time…

Song: Drunken Lullabies

Formation: Bottle-> Syringe

Video Board: "This is your brain on drugs." (Focus on enthusiastic bandie)

4. Socialized Medicine

With the growing controversy surrounding health care, the nation has never been more divided. Some support a single payer system while others believe the government should just stay away from medicine. In looking for a historical precedent we realized France and Britain already tried the socialized option, and since then it's been nothing but forced euthanasia and brillo-pad sponge baths! What's that? Their life expectancies rank considerably better than ours, and they pay less? Hmmm... maybe we'll have to think about this some more...

Song:

Formation: Cross->Heart

5. Caste System

Tired of seeing people forced to live in the streets? Well so are we! Fortunately, ancient civilizations solved this problem thousands of years ago. All we have to do to cure our empathy is adopt a caste system! Feel bad for the man lying in the street corner? Well you shouldn’t, his previous life was one of sin and he finally got what’s coming to him. We don’t need social services to help them; they should find nirvana themselves.

Song:

Formation: HOBO->HAHA

Outro: Tune in next week for when we campaign for a retroactive Oscar for Patrick Swayze's autobiographical role in Ghost. Until then, you've been watching TTOTTILSJUMB

Awesome possum.

Midweek recap

Hey there funksters, The Band's had a great time getting back together and beginning a year anew.

Saturday was Stanford's home opener (a resounding victory for the Cardinal against San Jose State) and coincidentally was also the Band's first football game of the year, halftime shows and all. Look for the scripts.

Monday was Frosh Rehearsal and over 200 people were there. That's right, the Band was ten score strong on Monday. We can only hope it will stay that way, to properly train a full army of rock for when we trek to Oregon State in October.

Look for more updates as football games and field rehearsals come and go.

Pahk the cah at Hahvahd squay-ah

"You want us to play at your wedding? We play at weddings, where is it? Martha's Vineyard? Oh wow, that's kind of far away... you'll cover the entire travel expense? Wait, really? That's airfare for about 30 peo...oh, you're an investment banker. Ok."

I assume that one side of a conversation sounded something like this when our manager first got a call about this rally. If not, then it at least played through all of our internal dialogs for an entire weekend, when band traveled to MARTHA'S FREAKIN' VINEYARD to play at a wedding. Wait, did I say wedding? I meant wedding party. Oops, I meant REHEARSAL DINNER. That's right, somebody shelled out the big bucks to transport 30 people from San Francisco to Boston to Martha's Vineyard, and house us for two nights. A few stragglers like me flew in separately (I was home in Iowa), and we picked up a few locals along the way, but still. It was ridiculous.

We were so hyped up on the absurdity of the situation that even the rain couldn't dampen our spirits. And it rained a lot on the island. Even the awkward bus stop in the middle of a pitch-black field at night couldn't bring us down, although some began to suspect that this trip was an elaborate plot by a very wealthy enemy to assassinate the band. Thankfully the ninjas only managed to take out a few drums before band subdued them. We eventually made it to the rehearsal dinner, where we proceeded to rock the fancy pants off every member of the audience. Afterwards, the hosts treated us to some of their fine beverages while we socialized with the German dancers (Sie tragen Lederhosen). Eventually we made it back to our house(s) for the night, ate lobster, hung out with our awesome groundskeeper Spike, smoked cigars, and passed out.

We found our way back to the mainland the next day. We figured those poor bastards up at Hahvahd could use some funk, so we rallied around Cambridge and on their campus. They, of course, loved us. Punks chant : "It's not too late / To transfer schools!" Then we flew home. The end.

2recaps1post

Hey y'all, this is gonna be quick and painless because me, as well as about half of the Band, are seeing Earth, Wind, & Fire with Chicago in HP Pavilion in less than three hours. Fuckin' psyched.

Anyway, on Sunday, the Band sauntered on up to the City to play for/entertain/provide a distraction to/clog up the AIDS Walk in Golden Gate Park. It was super serious but also super awesome.

Highlights included:

• Serenading passersby with a rendition of "The HIV song" by Ween
• Seeing all the different ways event organizers can give us coconut-related foods
• Playing too loud to hear boorish Kal fans' grunts
• Causing the AIDS Walk to dysfunction with all the people stopping to watch us instead of walking, cloggin' up the street and making us take breaks
• Coming dangerously close to running out of songs to play, 4 hours is alot, especially when your songs average 2:00 in length.

It was largely a blast though.

About a month ago, but only about week ago was it telecast on ESPNU, the Band was called on to serve its country in the highest honor possible. We played at two USA Men's Volleyball team's games vs. China in San Jose. We're not gonna lie, it got tough out there on the front lines. Just exactly how were we going to adapt all our volleyball cheers/heckles for America? We found a way, yelling "One! Two! Three! Point Freedom!" whenever the Stars and Stripes scored, and doing a "United States of America, Organized 1776" spellout right before All Right Now. For the toobz, the games provided the perfect opportunity to resurrect the toob painted with the portrait of Mao Tse Tung. There was free candy, cool looking press passes, and confusing amounts of Chinese dancers. A truly serendipitous venture. And of course, to honor the recently passed King of Pop, our drum major Byron, that old scallawag, conducted in a red leather jacket, a black wig, and one white glove. What's that you say? Pix or it didn't happen? Well alright, some Bandies brought their cameras to the game. I'll scour through them, and maybe you'll see some on the Facebook page.

But now I really have to go. "Kalimba Story" is callin'. The time is nigh.

Repentance for our June abandonment

Hey there blog faithful, if there are any of you left. It's ok if there isn't, we understand. This blog has treated you readers about as well as the Los Angeles Clippers treats its fan base, but we're promising to make it up to you. That's right, we're rollin out a brand new feature called "Approximately June: The Recap" where I, Shotgun, will be recapping all of the Band's goings on in the past month and a half. We'll be working backwards, starting with the Redwood City 4th of July Parade/Battle of the Bands where we put those Davis fools in their place.

The sun crept upwards on the horizon in a beautifully clear day. Bandies all over campus and other whereabouts rose from their bed, excited for the day to come. Some were commemorating the occasion with a ritualistic eating of a bacon cheeseburger and 40 oz of ancient hopgrain juice. But soon the ATS approached and the masters of enthusiasm started making their way toward the Shak, the air crisp and clean. They approached the door, and OH DEAR MOTHER OF GOD MAKE IT STOP! WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE THERE'S A CORPSE IN THE SHAK? ON AMERICA'S BIRTHDAY OF ALL TIMES. QUICK EVERYONE, WE'LL BARRICADE OURSELVES IN MICH TERRACE.

Indeed the Band kicked off Independence Day by being punched in the nostrils with a brass-knuckles wearing odor. We searched everywhere trying to find a reason for this senseless crime. The answer came in the form of Joe Lewis, rib-maker and drinker extraordinaire. You see, a week ago the Drum Corps Invitational came to town and while normally fine to peace and let them use the house, Joe, one of our more senior Bandmembers with lots o' gonnengtions, wanted us to play for some of his DCI friends and as payment cooked us a great lot of delicious ribs before we headed off to a volleyball game, but I'm getting ahead (behind?) of myself. Long story short, he left some of the leftovers in a cooler outside the Shak and they marinated with the sun's rays and an odious blend of bacteria to deliver us that olfactory grenade on Saturday morning.

After we recovered and made it to Redwood City, the parade started, and we employed our typical parade-flummoxing play and rock out parked, run to catch up, then park and play, then run, repeat ad nauseum (literally) for a mile and a half. Those with weaker constitutions cried aloud to the heavens what they had done to deserve this feeling afterwards, while the stronger among us just sat in fear afterwards, waiting for their lungs to exact revenge. But we were rewarded, with Food Tickets! And waiting!

But then, it was time for the battle to begin. We heard Davis pretending to cadence into the spot and we knew our moment of combat was nigh. When Drum Major General Byron blew his attack whistle, we all rushed the spot and threw down a killer rendition of "Welcome to Paradise." And by killer we meant literally. By the end, three Davis trombone players were on the ground with their entrails splayed out in front of them. The whole thing was somewhat reminiscent of the Charge of the Light Brigade except we were the side that wasn't the Light Brigade. There was a Christmas-in-the-trenches type truce as we joined hands for "Beginnings" but we then returned to trading musical blows. By the end, it was obvious who had won, but Davis wasn't letting us take our prisoners back to the Shak to get the meat smell out, so we just declared victory and left.

After that we carried out the rest of our 4ourth like the rest of you schlubs with OMGWTFBBQs and fireworks aplenty. And we all rode into the sunset.

Epilogue: Dateline July 6, 2009. The Shak appeared to be safe. The smell demons were exorcised and everything seemed back to normal. Jill arrived. She walked to the room formerly known as Teamball, now recently colonized by the Tenrz. She opened the freezer portion of Shak fridge to put in her ice pack, and NO. WE GOT RID OF YOU. HOW COULD YOU BE BACK? WHY GOD?
But it wasn't back, Smelly McRotten had been chased out of the Shak, but it's little brother, Smelly McMolden had taken over the Shak fridge by way of making it not work. It claimed the remaining ribs and a bottle of apple juice as its casualties. No burial was held. Let us not forget the lesson these ribs sacrificed to teach us. The Tenrz take over the teamball room. The fridge dies. The moral is clear. The Tenrz lose at everything. And so the call goes out. Anyone got a fridge? Preferably one with a Capri Sun pouch painted on the friont?

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK or day or so, when we recount how the Band single-handedly defended freedom against an imminent scourge, ON THE VBALL COURT.

Some springtime distraction

Hey there blog-sketeers, it's your old pal Shotgun again with probably some much needed blog supplements to your daily Internet diets. And as such, here is a quick update of what the Band has been doing in the month of May.

After the aforementioned Dollie Splash, Band in May is a loose collection of assorted rallies and rehearsals outside as we become more accustomed to our new monkey with a stick, Byron Vosburg. A differenter time than the other quarters, but here are the highlights.

• We provided the entertainment at not one but TWO Special Olympics in the Bay Area, San Jose and Marin County, and even got Panda Express out of one of them. Fun stuff.
• Our appeal is not only limited to the mentally handicapped, but also children. The Bing Children's Center had its spring fair or something or other and wanted us to serenade the children. We'd like to thank those folks for such a fun time, and for the approximately 350,000 extra pizzas they sent us back with, which proceeded to find a home in the Shak fridge. Needless to say, they were gone within a day.
• Sometimes, though we don't really need an invite in order to provide people with our trademark symphonic cacophony. We reflected this on Friday, when we showered the Stanford campus with an impromptu celebration of fountains, playing in or around just about every one.
  
• But other times, the Band just wants to relax, and exercised that desire with that old Stanford tradition, BEACH TRIP. A great time for listening to the ocean, bottles filled with sand, burying the drum major, and contemplating the nature of reality.
• Also, the bass sax player from the Davis Band has provided us with the pleasure of his company at some of our rehearsals, which has been awesome, though we'll know something's up when at the next 4th of July Parade, we hear an eerily similar version of "Short Skirt/Long Jacket." Just kiddin' Shaggy, you're welcome anytime.

Well, that about covers it. What does the future hold? Well, June tends to be alot like May in Band terms, but kind of less so, whatever that means. See you in two and two.

Waffles is blowin up like nitro

The saga of our intrepid Waffles taking on Condi just grows more and more epic. Here he is being interviewed for channel 5 news http://cbs5.com/video/?id=49621@kpix.dayport.com

And this even ended up as the lead article on the Chronicle website for a little while. Fancy that.

Just like velociraptors and Pepperidge Farm, we remember

Hey there residents of Blogfrica, it's Shotgun again with some very much needed blog updated content. We hope that this information reaches you before the swine flu does (side note: I must say, though, that I find this whole swine flu mess very upsetting. As an avid bacon-o-phile, it's been very rough coming to terms with the idea that something so beautiful could also be so deadly. Pigs are the new Elektra)

We'll be delivering these updates with the most efficient form of information dissemination ever invented, the bullet point. Forward, ho!

• Last weekend was Admit Weekend and, as it has been for many years running, Stanford decided that the best way to introduce people to Stanford was through a throughly distilled shot of rock n' roll, administered by yours truly. Many admits, including myself back in my halcyon days when I was a ruddy ProFro, found our gleeful combination of Green Day, flaming helmets, exploding guitars, and rubber penis suits to be the perfect fanfare to their weekend, and indeed Admit Weekend is designed to be the time when Band sings its siren song, luring the unsuspecting ProFros into our web come fall (except for the SLE kids, who had the foresight to tie themselves to ship masts). Also known as the number one reason to skip IHUM section, Admit Weekend is one of the Band's high points of Spring Quarter and this year was no exception.
• With a quicker turnaround than a V-IV blues progression, the Band almost immediately started gearing up for the next high point of Spring Quarter, Dollie Splash. Known as the time of the year when the incoming Dollies finally break their cocoon of dance and emerge as white-dressed butterflies, Dollie Splash fills everyone with warm and fuzzy feelings (in the HEART, let's be clear). You can see more about this in that fantabulous story by the Daily located directly below this post.
• In other news, the band continues to chug along in its support of non-revenue sports. We were scheduled to play for the synchronized swimming national championships, but the coach reneged because he felt our "debauchery" would be too much for the yung'uns in the audience. We honestly have no idea what he meant, but whatever it was, it's not too much for the women's rugby team, because the Band WILL be playing at that national championship on Saturday (oo oo!!!!).
• Also, as it is assuredly spring quarter, that means SPRING FOLDERS! Twice a year we gots to reprint our music, and we usually take that chance to trim some of the dead branches (see: "Crazy Train" and "Dies Irae") and also plant a few new saplings. Our new songs this quarter are "Woman" by Wolfmother, which you may have heard if you've played Guitar Hero II, and "Brooklyn" by the Youngblood Brass Band, which you may have heard if you're a fan of brass bands from Wisconsin. The next time you hear our notes wafting through your ears, take a close listen, for it may very well be one of those two songs.
  
• Finally, you politicoes may have been frequenting that other blogosphere and saw a video of Condi-dondi Rice talking to some Stanford students who approached her with a Mr.-Smith-Goes-to-Washingtonesque zeal. (If you haven't it's right here). We would just like to point out, with a tear in our eye and a chest puffed out more than Pidgeot's, that the first young man taking it to C.Rice like Clinton Snyder is our very own Altoz sexion leader, Waffles, and we applaud Waffles for taking that Band tenacity and iconoclasm right to 'Leezza's doorstep.

Well that's all the news from Lake Woe-be-blog. Tune in next week when give updates on our Capri Sun Car project, it's kinda like the Solar Car project but with one major difference...

All Dollie-d Up and Ready to Go

All Dollie-d Up and Ready to Go

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Man, am I tired.

But for good reason. Band spent all of yesterday at the UC Davis Picnic Day Battle Of the Bands (commonly referred to as Davis Day, or even Mothafuckin' Davis Day).

This year saw 6 marching bands from various schools in the area join in for the fun. If my hazy memory serves me correctly, the roster was this:

UC Davis
UC Berkeley
UC Irvine
UC Santa Claus (or something like that, feel free to correct me)
Humboldt State
Yours Truly

Some of the bands can be kinda lame (Davis frequently steals our songs), but all in all, the day is pretty laid back and lots of fun. Humboldt is pretty sweet, with their anyone-can-have-a-solo rendition of Louie Louie, and some awesome fire-jugglers. Of course, none of them have as much energy and enthusiasm as we do, but you knew that already.

The general idea behind the day is that bands will trade off songs, playing until they either run out of music or get bored, at which point they leave and everyone remaining waves them farewell. Cal was the first school to leave this year (also the last school to show up). The past couple of years have seen Davis arbitrarily ending the event after only some 10 hours of continuous play, just so they can go party or something like that. Man, if this is a battle, I want to battle to the bitter end. Whatever. It's still fun.

Some other highlights:

-Beginnings, extra-long version: All of the bands join with us for our version of Chicago's Beginnings. There is an infinite loop drum solo break at the end that anyone can solo on, and with 6 marching bands and lots of drummers, it can last a while. Usually 40-some minutes. In the meantime, the other sections (from all of the bands) are off doing fun things like exposing themselves in public, and slapping each other.

-Watching stupid people swim in Lake Spafford. I hear you can practically get syphillis by just looking at the water.

-Every song Humboldt played. Seriously, it's like a classic rock radio station over there. FREEBIRD!!

-Having random strangers ask for pictures with you just because you're wearing a sexy nightie and pants that look like they were made from the upholstery of a couch out of the 60's

-Being carefree. Most people agree that Davis Day is one day in the year that you don't really have to do anything. Just chill.

Man, Davis Day is sweet.

aw shit, get ya towels ready

Hey there folks, Shotgun here with an early morning bloggasm. Life/laziness has prevented me from doing a full recap of Honkfest, though if it's any consolation I've been feeling really bad about it. I just chimed in right now to say it's MOTHERFUCKING DAVIS DAY (this is the correct spelling), which for the wedged, is when the Band travels to UC Davis to be a part of it's Battle Exhibition of the Bands with all sorts o' bands from all over the West Coast. Highlights include hour long renditions of "Beginnigs" by Chicago and Line, an old drum, building stuff that everyone thinks is cool. All in all it's a wondrous day. I'll see you there, and if I won't, WHY AREN'T YOU GOING?

What a long strange trip it's about to be

Hey there rabblerousers, it's been long, too long since your old pal Shotgun filled that blog void in your life and in this exciting time to be alive no less. Unlike those past blog posts, which were more functions of explosive diarrhea shrapnel hitting the keyboard hard enough to for something semi-coherent, this one has actual content in it, so let's take the red pill and see just how far down the rabbit hole goes (I can't believe that movie's 10 years old either. Speaking of which, it's got a fantastic drinking game that goes with it, but another time).

BULLET POINT ACTION

• After witnessing the women's team assert its soul-crushing dominance over THE Ohio State University (a bit of a conflicting moment for this central Ohio native) and AN Iowa State University, the band gained enough experience points to level up to the Final Four in St. Lou. Those luckier than I can tell you what exactly went down. All I can tell you is that UConn's treachery even extends to the band arena where they paid off the "officials" to steal our rightful Battle of the Bands trophy that we had so gloriously conquered last year.
• Right after, and we do mean right after folks, came the lovely spring tradition known as [Insert Drum Major's name here]'s First Rehearsal. This year, the lucky victim was Byron Vosburg, a wide-eyed, idealistic charge who ascended to the not-podium with visions of working "Aqualung" deep into the night and hammering the ending of "Boogie Down" into our brains to the point of submission, only to be woken up by that shrill annoying sound that either was the alarm clock of reality or the altoz attempting to start "Peace of Mind". Either way, the Band takes the first rehearsal of a drum major to assert that even though (s)he may have some imaginary military ranktitle thing, it carries as much weight with the Band as it would on pre-Napoleon Animal Farm. And so the Band sallied forth a nexus of songs that was as seamless (and impenetrable) as a MacBook exterior. Also we threw pickle juice at him.
• WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG POST FOR A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. Hi there folks, it's Shotgun again, but this time let me be frank with you (preferably of the Ball Park variety). For those of you that actually still attend this so-called university, you may have noticed that it's election season. Now normally, election season is a time for ironic detachment, damning the man, and secretly wondering if the sophomore class president slate is actually more popular than you, or just more adept at making flyers. I know this blogger is too busy making trite analogies to past presidential elections and sports teams to actually engage in the process, but unfortunately in order to continue to exist, the Band must bow and scrape at the altar of the masses in the form of asking for special fees from the ASSU. And so I must ask you, the students and those still pulling an Azia Kim, to vote for the Band for special fees, and give us that glorious money that we covet so much, I mean so we can keep on rockin' out. Another beseechment, please don't ask for your money back later. Otherwise we'll track you down and make you explain to little Billy why he can't have his saxophone fixed after some drunk frat guy ran into it at Band Run. Just look at little Billy's eyes! You know playing that saxophone is the only thing that keeps his cancerous grandma still breathing. The more you know! *cue wooshing star* AND NOT BLACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOGGING (and no that was not a typo).
• And so I says to him "Wrecked him? Why yes that is the last part of the diges-oh wait is thing still on? Oh right, this weekend brings something of a rarity to the Band, a brand new experience. This weekend, the Band is road-trippin' it up some strange land known only to the natives as "Sea-attle" for something known as HonkFest West! HonkFest is apparently a festival for unconventional marching bands out in Mass. and last year the organizing folks must have learned about Lewis and Clarke because they decided to open up an ancillary on the Pacific side. Through a casual browsing of the Series of Tubes (or Tӧӧbz as the case may be) the Band stumbled upon their little shindig and thought we could find a home (look for yourself at http://honkfestwest.com/ You might see us right on the front page) and a few/lot of emails later BAM! we're renting vans and super-exclusive cliques are trying to claim their own. My brothers and sisters in the Band Members that Like to Eat PB&J Sandwiches Inside Out have already got our van (as we should, we're kind of a big deal). Will we be ready for it? Will they be ready for us? Do we all have sleeping bags? Is it a federal offense to drive across state lines without wearing pants? These are all questions that will be answered soon enough.
  

Until then though, I must bid you all adieu as my latest effort of procrastination draws to a close.


Oh, just one more thing. The Band now has a the Facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Leland-Stanford-Junior-University-Marching-Band/79838435759?ref=nf
Go look at it. Be friends with us. Listen to music. Go through the track listing of all of our albums. Leave us threatening wall message. Just please drive up our page views for God's sake. We thrive on those almost as much as we thrive on Capri Sun.