Scripts for San Jose State

As promised here was our pregame show:

SJSU PREGAME: Welcome, Freshmen!

and now, back from a summer of keeping vigil at Neverland Ranch, it's TOTOTTILSJUMB...

1. Internet Piracy

Well Freshman, as Stanford slashes budgets to keep up with the dying economy, the school's been making changes, and we're here this evening to help guide you through them.

Some of you may have been looking forward to unlimited bandwidth to illegally download the complete works of Miley Cyrus. Unfortunately, Stanford has been forced to revoke all student internet access. So, if you want to engage in music piracy, you're just going to have to do it the old fashioned way: strap-on an eye patch and board ye nearest galleon to Best Buy.

Song: Shipping up to Boston
Formation: Pirate face w/ eyepatch
Video Board: "Piracy was more fun the old fashioned way!"

2. $$Vaden$$

Your RA has surely recommended Vaden Student Health Services for all for your "private" health needs. Most students visit Vaden once a quarter for their allotment of a dozen free Trojans, watch out! if you're Huskie sometimes they break! But, budget cuts have forced Vaden to levy a $167 fee on all undergrads, which means those dozen free hook-ups will now cost you more than 10 bucks a pop. You know, it's a lot cheaper to be just friends.

Song:
Formation: PAY->PLAY
Video Board: "It's cheaper to be just friends!"


3. Pest Control

Stanford's squirrel population has driven acorn reserves dangerously low; and budget cuts have left us unable to protect our precious nuts. Therefore, the freshman IHUM program has announced that all freshmen with names A-M are now assigned to IHUM 43a: Introduction to Pest Control. Slingshots are available in the bookstore; show up to your first section with a squirrel in hand. As a bonus, you can sell your squirrel meat to Stern Dining!


Song:
Formation: Slingshot, shoots tubas, possibly also shoot t-shirts into the stands
Video Board: "IHUM 43a: Intro to Pest Control"

4. SLAC

Stanford and the Department of Energy have always had a working relationship with SLAC: the Stanford Linear Accelerator, unfortunately neither the government nor the university can afford to maintain the two miles of pipeline needed to accelerate experimental particles. So now Freshman physics students will report to directly to SLAC and earn valuable extra credit holding atoms and running into each other at great speeds.

Song:
Formation: Box, bandies holding atoms run into one another
Video Board: focus on colliding bandies

Outro: Breaking news, a new round of of budget slashing has cut ALL funding from student activities groups. Guess you'll just have to join the Band, Monday nights, 7 PM, at the Band shak, see you there! YBWTOTOTTILSJUMB

And here was our halftime:

Mark: Aaaaand now back from...

Kanye: Yo, Mark, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best halftimes shows of all time! One of the best halftimes shows of all time!

Mark: Shut up, Kanye, it's TOTOTTILSJUMB!

To deal with the many problems facing America today, we're going to look to historical precedents for solutions.

VIDEO BOARD, throughout show: "Warning: This show may contain satire."

1. The Great Wall

First up: illegal immigration! Looking to history, we realized that China's Ming Dynasty built the Great Wall to keep the marauding Mongolians at bay. Clearly, we too can just build a wall to keep invaders out. Wait… what’s that? The Mongolians conquered China anyway? I guess we should go back to the drawing boards.

Song:

Formation: Wall, people (wearing blue and gold?) running across the wall

2. King Solomon

Discussions surrounding Justice Sotomayor's appointment revolved around judicial impartiality. Arguments in the confirmation hearings that emotions should not be able to swing a Supreme Court decision. A valid sentiment, which dates back to the time of Biblical King Solomon, who, when presented with a maternity suit, simply decided to hack the neonate in twain. Oh… he didn’t actually hack a neonate in twain? Well, let’s just move on…

Song:

Formation: Stick figure splits in half

3. Prohibition

Next up, the War on Drugs. Drugs bring the worst out of us, tearing families apart and destroying our society. We can think of another substance that leads to this moral decay: alcohol. We find guidance in our own past in the Prohibition, totally banning all alcohol to fight the problems from the source. Oh, is that wrong as well? It led to unparalleled crime and rampant corruption? Well, maybe it’ll work out better this time…

Song: Drunken Lullabies

Formation: Bottle-> Syringe

Video Board: "This is your brain on drugs." (Focus on enthusiastic bandie)

4. Socialized Medicine

With the growing controversy surrounding health care, the nation has never been more divided. Some support a single payer system while others believe the government should just stay away from medicine. In looking for a historical precedent we realized France and Britain already tried the socialized option, and since then it's been nothing but forced euthanasia and brillo-pad sponge baths! What's that? Their life expectancies rank considerably better than ours, and they pay less? Hmmm... maybe we'll have to think about this some more...

Song:

Formation: Cross->Heart

5. Caste System

Tired of seeing people forced to live in the streets? Well so are we! Fortunately, ancient civilizations solved this problem thousands of years ago. All we have to do to cure our empathy is adopt a caste system! Feel bad for the man lying in the street corner? Well you shouldn’t, his previous life was one of sin and he finally got what’s coming to him. We don’t need social services to help them; they should find nirvana themselves.

Song:

Formation: HOBO->HAHA

Outro: Tune in next week for when we campaign for a retroactive Oscar for Patrick Swayze's autobiographical role in Ghost. Until then, you've been watching TTOTTILSJUMB

Awesome possum.

Midweek recap

Hey there funksters, The Band's had a great time getting back together and beginning a year anew.

Saturday was Stanford's home opener (a resounding victory for the Cardinal against San Jose State) and coincidentally was also the Band's first football game of the year, halftime shows and all. Look for the scripts.

Monday was Frosh Rehearsal and over 200 people were there. That's right, the Band was ten score strong on Monday. We can only hope it will stay that way, to properly train a full army of rock for when we trek to Oregon State in October.

Look for more updates as football games and field rehearsals come and go.

Pahk the cah at Hahvahd squay-ah

"You want us to play at your wedding? We play at weddings, where is it? Martha's Vineyard? Oh wow, that's kind of far away... you'll cover the entire travel expense? Wait, really? That's airfare for about 30 peo...oh, you're an investment banker. Ok."

I assume that one side of a conversation sounded something like this when our manager first got a call about this rally. If not, then it at least played through all of our internal dialogs for an entire weekend, when band traveled to MARTHA'S FREAKIN' VINEYARD to play at a wedding. Wait, did I say wedding? I meant wedding party. Oops, I meant REHEARSAL DINNER. That's right, somebody shelled out the big bucks to transport 30 people from San Francisco to Boston to Martha's Vineyard, and house us for two nights. A few stragglers like me flew in separately (I was home in Iowa), and we picked up a few locals along the way, but still. It was ridiculous.

We were so hyped up on the absurdity of the situation that even the rain couldn't dampen our spirits. And it rained a lot on the island. Even the awkward bus stop in the middle of a pitch-black field at night couldn't bring us down, although some began to suspect that this trip was an elaborate plot by a very wealthy enemy to assassinate the band. Thankfully the ninjas only managed to take out a few drums before band subdued them. We eventually made it to the rehearsal dinner, where we proceeded to rock the fancy pants off every member of the audience. Afterwards, the hosts treated us to some of their fine beverages while we socialized with the German dancers (Sie tragen Lederhosen). Eventually we made it back to our house(s) for the night, ate lobster, hung out with our awesome groundskeeper Spike, smoked cigars, and passed out.

We found our way back to the mainland the next day. We figured those poor bastards up at Hahvahd could use some funk, so we rallied around Cambridge and on their campus. They, of course, loved us. Punks chant : "It's not too late / To transfer schools!" Then we flew home. The end.

2recaps1post

Hey y'all, this is gonna be quick and painless because me, as well as about half of the Band, are seeing Earth, Wind, & Fire with Chicago in HP Pavilion in less than three hours. Fuckin' psyched.

Anyway, on Sunday, the Band sauntered on up to the City to play for/entertain/provide a distraction to/clog up the AIDS Walk in Golden Gate Park. It was super serious but also super awesome.

Highlights included:

• Serenading passersby with a rendition of "The HIV song" by Ween
• Seeing all the different ways event organizers can give us coconut-related foods
• Playing too loud to hear boorish Kal fans' grunts
• Causing the AIDS Walk to dysfunction with all the people stopping to watch us instead of walking, cloggin' up the street and making us take breaks
• Coming dangerously close to running out of songs to play, 4 hours is alot, especially when your songs average 2:00 in length.

It was largely a blast though.

About a month ago, but only about week ago was it telecast on ESPNU, the Band was called on to serve its country in the highest honor possible. We played at two USA Men's Volleyball team's games vs. China in San Jose. We're not gonna lie, it got tough out there on the front lines. Just exactly how were we going to adapt all our volleyball cheers/heckles for America? We found a way, yelling "One! Two! Three! Point Freedom!" whenever the Stars and Stripes scored, and doing a "United States of America, Organized 1776" spellout right before All Right Now. For the toobz, the games provided the perfect opportunity to resurrect the toob painted with the portrait of Mao Tse Tung. There was free candy, cool looking press passes, and confusing amounts of Chinese dancers. A truly serendipitous venture. And of course, to honor the recently passed King of Pop, our drum major Byron, that old scallawag, conducted in a red leather jacket, a black wig, and one white glove. What's that you say? Pix or it didn't happen? Well alright, some Bandies brought their cameras to the game. I'll scour through them, and maybe you'll see some on the Facebook page.

But now I really have to go. "Kalimba Story" is callin'. The time is nigh.

Repentance for our June abandonment

Hey there blog faithful, if there are any of you left. It's ok if there isn't, we understand. This blog has treated you readers about as well as the Los Angeles Clippers treats its fan base, but we're promising to make it up to you. That's right, we're rollin out a brand new feature called "Approximately June: The Recap" where I, Shotgun, will be recapping all of the Band's goings on in the past month and a half. We'll be working backwards, starting with the Redwood City 4th of July Parade/Battle of the Bands where we put those Davis fools in their place.

The sun crept upwards on the horizon in a beautifully clear day. Bandies all over campus and other whereabouts rose from their bed, excited for the day to come. Some were commemorating the occasion with a ritualistic eating of a bacon cheeseburger and 40 oz of ancient hopgrain juice. But soon the ATS approached and the masters of enthusiasm started making their way toward the Shak, the air crisp and clean. They approached the door, and OH DEAR MOTHER OF GOD MAKE IT STOP! WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE THERE'S A CORPSE IN THE SHAK? ON AMERICA'S BIRTHDAY OF ALL TIMES. QUICK EVERYONE, WE'LL BARRICADE OURSELVES IN MICH TERRACE.

Indeed the Band kicked off Independence Day by being punched in the nostrils with a brass-knuckles wearing odor. We searched everywhere trying to find a reason for this senseless crime. The answer came in the form of Joe Lewis, rib-maker and drinker extraordinaire. You see, a week ago the Drum Corps Invitational came to town and while normally fine to peace and let them use the house, Joe, one of our more senior Bandmembers with lots o' gonnengtions, wanted us to play for some of his DCI friends and as payment cooked us a great lot of delicious ribs before we headed off to a volleyball game, but I'm getting ahead (behind?) of myself. Long story short, he left some of the leftovers in a cooler outside the Shak and they marinated with the sun's rays and an odious blend of bacteria to deliver us that olfactory grenade on Saturday morning.

After we recovered and made it to Redwood City, the parade started, and we employed our typical parade-flummoxing play and rock out parked, run to catch up, then park and play, then run, repeat ad nauseum (literally) for a mile and a half. Those with weaker constitutions cried aloud to the heavens what they had done to deserve this feeling afterwards, while the stronger among us just sat in fear afterwards, waiting for their lungs to exact revenge. But we were rewarded, with Food Tickets! And waiting!

But then, it was time for the battle to begin. We heard Davis pretending to cadence into the spot and we knew our moment of combat was nigh. When Drum Major General Byron blew his attack whistle, we all rushed the spot and threw down a killer rendition of "Welcome to Paradise." And by killer we meant literally. By the end, three Davis trombone players were on the ground with their entrails splayed out in front of them. The whole thing was somewhat reminiscent of the Charge of the Light Brigade except we were the side that wasn't the Light Brigade. There was a Christmas-in-the-trenches type truce as we joined hands for "Beginnings" but we then returned to trading musical blows. By the end, it was obvious who had won, but Davis wasn't letting us take our prisoners back to the Shak to get the meat smell out, so we just declared victory and left.

After that we carried out the rest of our 4ourth like the rest of you schlubs with OMGWTFBBQs and fireworks aplenty. And we all rode into the sunset.

Epilogue: Dateline July 6, 2009. The Shak appeared to be safe. The smell demons were exorcised and everything seemed back to normal. Jill arrived. She walked to the room formerly known as Teamball, now recently colonized by the Tenrz. She opened the freezer portion of Shak fridge to put in her ice pack, and NO. WE GOT RID OF YOU. HOW COULD YOU BE BACK? WHY GOD?
But it wasn't back, Smelly McRotten had been chased out of the Shak, but it's little brother, Smelly McMolden had taken over the Shak fridge by way of making it not work. It claimed the remaining ribs and a bottle of apple juice as its casualties. No burial was held. Let us not forget the lesson these ribs sacrificed to teach us. The Tenrz take over the teamball room. The fridge dies. The moral is clear. The Tenrz lose at everything. And so the call goes out. Anyone got a fridge? Preferably one with a Capri Sun pouch painted on the friont?

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK or day or so, when we recount how the Band single-handedly defended freedom against an imminent scourge, ON THE VBALL COURT.

Some springtime distraction

Hey there blog-sketeers, it's your old pal Shotgun again with probably some much needed blog supplements to your daily Internet diets. And as such, here is a quick update of what the Band has been doing in the month of May.

After the aforementioned Dollie Splash, Band in May is a loose collection of assorted rallies and rehearsals outside as we become more accustomed to our new monkey with a stick, Byron Vosburg. A differenter time than the other quarters, but here are the highlights.

• We provided the entertainment at not one but TWO Special Olympics in the Bay Area, San Jose and Marin County, and even got Panda Express out of one of them. Fun stuff.
• Our appeal is not only limited to the mentally handicapped, but also children. The Bing Children's Center had its spring fair or something or other and wanted us to serenade the children. We'd like to thank those folks for such a fun time, and for the approximately 350,000 extra pizzas they sent us back with, which proceeded to find a home in the Shak fridge. Needless to say, they were gone within a day.
• Sometimes, though we don't really need an invite in order to provide people with our trademark symphonic cacophony. We reflected this on Friday, when we showered the Stanford campus with an impromptu celebration of fountains, playing in or around just about every one.
  
• But other times, the Band just wants to relax, and exercised that desire with that old Stanford tradition, BEACH TRIP. A great time for listening to the ocean, bottles filled with sand, burying the drum major, and contemplating the nature of reality.
• Also, the bass sax player from the Davis Band has provided us with the pleasure of his company at some of our rehearsals, which has been awesome, though we'll know something's up when at the next 4th of July Parade, we hear an eerily similar version of "Short Skirt/Long Jacket." Just kiddin' Shaggy, you're welcome anytime.

Well, that about covers it. What does the future hold? Well, June tends to be alot like May in Band terms, but kind of less so, whatever that means. See you in two and two.

Waffles is blowin up like nitro

The saga of our intrepid Waffles taking on Condi just grows more and more epic. Here he is being interviewed for channel 5 news http://cbs5.com/video/?id=49621@kpix.dayport.com

And this even ended up as the lead article on the Chronicle website for a little while. Fancy that.