EXTRA EXTRA. THIS IS A BLOGMERGENCY

The Band could be going to Vegas. BUT WE NEED YOU TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. I'll let Mr. Embedded video take care of it all.

1-(888) 717-9725
THAT IS THE NUMBER. CALL BETWEEN TUESDAY JANUARY 27TH AT 7 PM PT AND WEDNESDAY 28TH AT 12 PM PT. CALL AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. APPRECIATE OUT SARAH PALIN JOKES BACK WHEN THEY WERE STILL RELEVANT. SHOW THOSE WEENIES FROM KAL AND DAVIS WHY THEY'RE SAFETY BANDS. YES WE CAN.

A few quick bullet points, IN BULLET TIME

*cue Vivaldi's Spring*

Why hello there folks, and welcome to Masterblog Theater. I'm Shotgun, and today we'll delving into a few delightful short stories in our ongoing series on the Band.

• FIRST, as our manager's birthday present to himself, and through the good graces of SBAB, we are proud to announce that the Shak now has an A/V system. What what what?? That's right folks. Now we can blast Thunderstruck through the entire reinforced concrete structure. Oh 'tis truly a glorious day. What's more, our rehearsal hall now has a projector and giant screen. We are still debating which piece of cinema deserves to christen our precious system. Personally, I've been lobbying for The Emperor's New Groove 3: The Groove's Return to Stella. That or Office Sluts 9.65, a true classic.
• B. The tree was featured in a compromising photo on the sports blog most blamed for the nation's decline, Deadspin. (Article found here) Being the ever faithful PR that I am (what's that, boy? Someone's blaming us for 1982 again? And Billy's stuck in the well? Well, let's go!) I sent a letter to the editor providing some context, as well as gratuitous Simpsons references, and it turns out the old chap is a local and even frequents the Oasis. A good fellow I should say. I like the cut of his jib. He ran the letter on Deadspin (right m'yah), and we may be doing further correspondence.
• Gamma. Both basketball teams won yesterday (Huzzah!) keeping the men's' tournament dreams alive and further discrediting the notion of parity for the women. The men take on Oregon State at home tomorrow, though this PR won't be there, for I t'will be on dorm ski trip to Tahoe, which makes me doubly sad because I had a whole host of Obama-related heckles I was planning to level at the coach. Ah well, I'm sure 6th Man will pick up the slack.

And with those quick li'l blog nuggets I bid you adieu as the Band goes to play at our squash team's first EVER home match. The acoustics should be incredible. Bandquet is imminent, approaching on the horizon, and surely looking like the apocalypse to Beefeaters, the eating club that is lending its space to us. We only hope that this time around there won't be any bollard-related casualties.

Until then,
Courage

The embedded YouTube action JUST DOESN'T STOP

And as day goes into night and on the eve of this historic moment in American history, it's Comrade Shotgun here with a Weekend Update, though unlike the Jimmy Fallon days, ours actually has jokes. For example, why did the robot cross the road? Because it was carbon-bonded to the chicken (Yes, I did just reference the movie version of Lost In Space, which incidentally, almost caused my house to burn down, but that's a story for another day). Back to matters at hand, in the natural perfect scheduling of basketball season for the Pac-10 (take that SEC!) this weekend featured both men's and women's games vs. and at Kal, respectively. (By the way, respectively may just be my favorite adverb.) The men's game was a real thriller that featured a freakishly large band. The women's game reminded me of Flinstones Chewables in that it was a bitter pill to swallow.

HOW-EVA, STEPHEN A. SMITH IS HERE TO SAY THAT THE BAND ALWAYS WINS. Indeed both of these games feature the only quasi-illustrious Kal Band, which though bigger at Stanford than at their home, still managed to be half the size our band on both occasions. And while we surely enjoyed their version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" imagined as a pre-Renaissance dirge, our band definitively prevailed for the weekend because the Kal Band skipped out on our usual post game skirmish. We thought this was a punk move. If you're going to chicken out on a fight, at least come up with a legitimate reason for it, like Eric Cartman did.


Nevertheless, we entertained some Kal fans on the way out of Haas Pavilion, and some forward-thinking individual (this is California after all) took some cell phone video of it and posted it on the YouTube, so here it is for your viewing pleasure, especially some bitter old man commenting during the beginning. Probably just mad because he forgot to take his Metamucil before going to the game.


Today, we celebrated MLK day (which, by the way is A-OK) by rallying all the interested ProDos (that's Prospective Dollies, for those not compelled to speak in abbrevs.) marking the official countdown to Dollie Day, oh what a day. More on that in due time. Though right now, we'll just content ourselves with the anticipation towards BANDQUET and the awards for Best and Most Improved Sexion. The odds favor CS106A, but Math 51 is making a strong push. Personally, my money's on Econ1A as a sleeper pick.

Until then, remember kids, don't talk to strangers, as long as you're fine with marrying your cousin.

Lightning round blog action!

Hi there. Face here! Just kidding it's your old cohort Shotgun with some exciting blogtastic news. Now I must be brief because my dorm is about to deep fry a turkey to commemorate the 1.75 month anniversary of Thanksgiving (true story), but I just wanted to let y'all faithful readers know that the Band, or more specifically the courageous warriors of the bovine-inspired atonal metal 3-d representation of the average distribution of height were featured on the 6 o' clock news and we, always forthcoming in our quest to bring funk to the funkless masses, present you with glorious glorious embedded video of the profile on these media sluts (that's just what we call them behind their backs. Secretly it's all of our dreams to be interviewed by KPIX)



So keep an eye of these brave souls, especially tomorrow when Mike "Benedict Vader" Montgomery comes back to the Farm for a good ol' fashioned butt-whoopin' (fingers crossed). And tune in next week when we dish the goods about how the Band celebrated Martin Luther King Day (hint: it's better than whatever the Arizona band did)

P.S. It was just revealed to us that those scoundrels over at Tennessee won Best Pep Band in the Women's Basketball Coaches Association superlatives for 2009 despite clearly not measuring up and also not having a hot dog in their band. They must have been beaten into submission by hearing Rocky Top 10,000 times in one day.

Why Hullo Thar!

It's your friendly neighborhood Spider-blogger, Shotgun here. Well it's 2009, and we're here to keep our promise of MORE BLOG ACTION with a quick ACTIONY recap of the band's winter break, or at least my winter break. For most of the band, winter break consisted of an unholy combination of Stanford basketball victories and "Cooking by the book A Lil' Bigger Mix" (what will the YouTube think of next?). For your faithful PR though, winter break largely consisted of Tivoed Christmas specials and addressing envolopes. You see, young paduwan, the Band cannot deliver the funk all by itself, it sometimes needs help along the way. And so, to show our appreciation over the Saturnalia season, the Band sends various Christmahanukwanzaakuh cards to people that have accommodated us, inspired us, tolerated us, or at the very least allowed us to exist. They looked-a something like-a this.























A selection of this year's recipients include Tara VanDerVeer, Johnny Dawkins, Random Student with PO Box 12346 (if you're reading this, we guarantee there's no anthrax), various members of the Athletic Department, other scatter bands on the front line in the righteous crusade for rock and roll, a disproportionate amount of Dollie families living in Atherton, the Liberty Bowl Commission (I was surprised that one was still on the list too), Diane Feinstein, the Colbert Report, and Orenthal James Simpson at Lovelock Correctional Center. A select few people, such as the Spirit of Troy and Art Bartner, got extra special attention. I personally signed them myself with a pen that just so happened to look alot like a bottle of Elmer's Glue, and my signature ended up covering the entire page. Oops. I think they'll get the message though.

Indeed, I hope everyone gets their forthcoming XmasHK card, though assuredly in about a month me and Staph Tool Diego will have the exquisite pleasure of collecting all the "return to sender" cards and taking those unfortunate souls off the list, if we can't find their current address. But I digress. It's time to get back into the groove of Winter Band, with a bevy of basketball games, and three of the most wonderful times of the year, with the kids jingle-belling and everyone telling we'll be of good cheer (those Xmas carols really stick in your head). I speak of course of Bandquet, Ski Trip, and Dollie Day. More on those later, maybe even a little live blogging? Only time can tell.

In the mean time, I leave you with our Big Game field shows. Ignore the mass-carded distraction going on in the stands during halftime, though frankly I'm appalled that all those dirty hippies are such staunch proponents of slash-and-burn forest clearing. It's really a sad situation.



Until then, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
(I of course am referring to clowns on the basketball court, and certainly not drugs)

A Toast to Joe Lewis, the Greatest Boxer of His Time

Twas a cold winter day in the Midwest.  A few of the natives and I awoke after slumbering in my Iowa home, rounded up our gear, stepped outside, and decided that 15 degrees was too warm for a journey to Omaha, Nebraska in a vehicle that actually had a working heater (us Midwesterners are a bit masochistic).  After a short 2.5-hour drive, the three of us reached Council Bluffs, a friendly Iowa city that housed our hotel for the weekend, and killed some time until the rest of the band arrived.  Apparently, the TSA prohibits people from bringing more than 3 ounces of heat onto a plane, so the band was unable to bring any sizable amount of warmth with them.  

We were shortly off to rally the volleyball team outside their hotel.  The band played fiercely for our goddesses, despite the icy cold death rays that Mother Nature shot at us.  We then headed over to the Qwest Center and brought funk to the legions of funkless Nebraskans, Penn Statians, and Texans that came to see their beloved teams play (the stalwart Stanford Fans having already been thoroughly funked).   After giving Texas a fair head start, the Stanford women dominated the game and finished 3-2, securing a spot for the Saturday game.   Most of us returned to our hotel to make merry and/or play Risk.  A few stayed behind at the center and watched some more intense volleyball.  I hear that the innumberable throngs of Nebraska fans can be quite loud.  

Friday, the traditional day of rest in many modern religions, saw the band exploring Council Bluffs and Omaha.  Some of us went to the zoo and threw snowballs at the animals, while others surveyed the local thrift store scene and bought up the county's supply of flannel and three-piece suits.  For dinner, we had steak.  Some establishments are not quite used to the amount of awesome brought by the band, so we tip well to compensate.   The rest of the night saw us fighting off the giant alien robots that frequently attack the area.  

Saturday.  The band was up at the crack of noon, preparing for the epic battle that was to unfold that night.  We again rallied the team before the game, this time in zero-degree-freeze-your-snot-in-your-nose-Mother-Nature-is-Not-in-a-Good-Mood-and-Father-Nature-is-likely-Sleeping-on-the-Couch-Tonight weather.  The game was hard fought, but the Stanford Women fell to the onslaught of the Cyborg-Go-Go-Gadget-Volleyball women from Nittany.   The band retired to our hotel, and drowned our sorrows in more Risk.  Most everyone returned to California on early flights.  The locals and I drove back to our abodes the next day, this time in zero-degree-25-mph-wind-gusts weather in a vehicle that again had no heat.  

Things to do in Ft. Collins When You're Still Alive

Hidey-Ho Neighborino! We know we said that we'd wait until 2009 before massacring your RSS feeds, but as I sit on a plane home listening to Richard Cheese take on System of a Down and looking over what I presume to be nighttime Utah, I decided the Band just couldn't wait to talk to you again, even if it is too early in our relationship for that. And while we know you're about to go run some errands and that it's 8 o'clock in the morning, we just have to regale you with tall tales about our recent trip to Northern Colorado. More after what would be the jump, if this were the type of blog that had advertisements (Hey Gawker, sure you don't want to pick us up? We'd be an excellent companion to Deadspin and Fleshbot).





The Band collectively groaned when management sent the e-mail that said call time at the Shak to ship out was 0430 hours. We separately stumbled our way across campus in the blackest of night and into the hallowed stomping grounds, carrying everything we owned (our dorm rooms would no longer be ours when the trip was over, Housing needed them instead). And as we entered the doorway, the 15-song, all “Thunderstruck” playlist greeted our ears and the Pop-Tarts our Social bought us greeted our stomachs, the grogginess slowly turned to grogthusiasm, and with a newfound sense of purpose, we changed into our “uniforms” and packed our instruments onto the bus.

While United Airlines didn't appreciate our cries of “Get Me Off this Tube of Death”, we still enjoyed our flight to Denver, some of us thinking that United Airlines would benefit a great deal from sponsoring Manchester United, especially given the state of AIG, but I digress.

The native Californians eeked with joy when they saw the snow (I think for some of them it was their first time) and we all rejoiced when we saw that right next door to the hotel was a 24 hour IHOP. Some poor souls still had finals to take while the remainder immediately took advantage of the Big Two special for $7.50. All work and no play makes Band a dull boy though, and when those still bonded to the university cast off their shackles of exams, the fun could really begin.

The next two days were a whirlwind of victory and bone-chilling cold. During the games, we rocked our hearts out, giddy that the 15 goddesses sent from Asgard, also known as our women's volleyball team (I frequently am confused as to whether I just saw Mjolnir, Thor's Hammer, in action or if it was Alix Klineman serving) would actually want us miscreants to be in the same building as them. The other teams were less appreciative, though, of our lessons in colonies throughout history and prohibited items on an airplane. That might have been because they came when Florida and Hawaii were serving. Our bad.

When darkness hit, the Band engaged in the most wholesome of merriment activities. We tried our hand at knitting, pin the tail on the donkey, and pick up sticks. Some went over to Colorado State to go to a house quilting bee some fans at the game invited them to. A few frosh got new nicknames after an epic game of charades. We even had contests to see who could drink a rational amount of water at a reasonable pace. Unfortunately we got a little too into the quiet game drawing a complaint from the other hotel guests that we weren't making enough noise for them to fall asleep to. We survived the night, but we certainly felt that extra round of Pictionary in the morning.

During the day, the legal folks took a tour of the New Belgium Brewery. Word on the street was it was quite fun. The remainder explored what it was like to live in an actual college town, though we still love The Tall Tree. We also delighted patrons of Old Town with our trademark brand of symphonic cacophony. Don't worry vice cops, it's not anything like the Old Town in Sin City.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip. We'd like to give a special shoutout to D.P. Dough's for nourishing us with their delicious and affordable calzones, to Colorado State University for accommodating us on our late night snow adventure, and to the volleyball team, for giving us a reason to go to Omaha in a few days (Woo Final Four!!!). Aaron will be on that trip, and I'm sure that he'll provide a similar account of the Band's exploits in an area that looks to be even colder (as if that were possible).

Until then, screw you guys, I'm going home.