Da scripts

Le Pregame

Intro: And now...back from self-imposed quarantine in Safeway's walk-in beer cooler, it's The One, The Only, The Truly Incomparable Leland Stanford Junior...University Marching Band!



1. Pigs are deadly!


Well ladies and gentleman we thought we made it through the summer successfully, but swine flu is making a strong comeback. Throughout history, the pig has been an extremely controversial animal. Some, like Jews and Muslims, choose to eliminate it from their diets entirely. Others, like Texans, will eat nothing else. But with the outbreak of this bubonic bacon, America is taking a different attitude toward the pig, one of sheer terror! Not since Elvis's last trip to the cardiologist has lil' Babe struck such fear in anyone's heart.


The Band plays "Spoonman" by Soundgarden

The Band forms a pig that promptly dies


2. Stanford bubble


Here on campus, Stanford administration has been hard at work protecting us from this hellish ham hex, going so far as to surround campus with a giant, impenetrable bubble. Hopefully, we will soon be able to apply this technology to other aspects of campus life. Yes, the isolation of the Stanford bubble should keep us safe all flu-season long. Remember, nobody in, nobody out.


The Band plays "Welcome to Paradise"

The Band forms a circle with Hoover Tower in the middle, accompanied by a prop pig

Jumbotron: Have camera follow pig on the field as it tries to break in to the "bubble" of students.


3. Full Moon on the Flu


Freshman on the lookout for love will have to look a little harder this year. As you may have heard, porcine panic has stricken down Full Moon on the Quad. Rumor has it roaming bands of loveless Stanford seniors will take to the streets in search of unsanctioned make-outs. But beware, another lonely creature stalks the night in search of romance, the pigs! So be careful who you smooch Stanford, because those pigs are have something much worse than bad breath!


The Band plays "Question!" by System of a Down

The Band forms a moon with lips
Jumbotron:

4. Student Health


So what can you, the student, do to protect yourself against this swine scourge, the answer lies at the bottom of a bottle. After all, alcohol kill germs, that's why it burns going down, right? At least that's what my frat bro said, and he's humbio. Pure science! So remember to drink up when you're on the Row tonight. That next jello shot or kegstand could very well save your life.


The Band plays "Life in the Fast Lane"

The Band forms PORK which changes to PARTY

Jumbotron: "PSA: Partying can save your life"


5. Squirrel flu


But now that birds and pigs are contagious, everyone is waiting to see which cuddly animal will be the next to strike fear into the heart of the World Health Organization. Our bet is on squirrels. With their pointy little teeth and their bushy tails made for carrying bacteria, squirrels are a prime candidate. It's only a matter of time before CNN debuts an animated graphic titled "Squirrel Flu: A Nation's Nuts Under Attack."


The Band plays "No One Knows" by Queens of the Stone Age

The Band forms an acorn

Jumbotron: "Squirrel Flu: A Nation's Nuts Under Attack." w/ picture of squirrel


6. When pigs fly


Hubris is the downfall of all great civilizations, and swine flu will prove the United States is no exception. They say American power is eternal, that we'll surrender when the world stops spinning, when hell freezes over, when pigs fly. Well, with flotillas of flying swine assaulting our nation with airborne flu, we may have finally met our match. Goodnight sweet prince.


The Band plays "Steam" by Peter Gabriel

The Band forms FLU which changes to FLEW accompanied by a prop flying pig

Jumboron: Camera on pig as it deploys wings.


7. Animal Farm


But who's to blame for this porker pandemic? Why, it's Dick Cheney! Having stumbled upon a copy of Animal Farm 5 months ago, he became paranoid that a pig-led socialist revolution might force universal health care on the masses. Using his remaining power in the shadow government, he developed a foolproof plan to keep those petulant porkers in their place. Clever work Dick, but your cover's been blown now!


The Band plays "Hey Big Brother" by Rare Earth

Band forms ORWELL which changes to OH WELL


Join us at halftime when we give unsolicited advice about tax evasion and establishing brothels. Until then, you've been watching The One, The Only, The Truly Incomparable Leland Stanford Junior...University Marching Band!


Der Halftime

And now, back from listening to our advisors tell us for the last time that freeze tag is not a major, it's The One, The Only, The Turly Incomparable, Leland Stanford Junior...University Marching Band!

1. Troy->Ploy

Throughout history the Trojans have proven a formidable foe. Their corpulent egos bloated with self-importance present a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. Nonetheless, a handful of mighty heroes have proven throughout the ages, that Trojans are by no means invincible. With a steady hand, a crafty battle plan, and a healthy dose of lowered expectations even the most unlikely of men can become mighty conquerors.

The Band plays "Stuff Like That" by Quincy Jones
The Band forms TROY which changes to PLOY
Jumbotron:

2. Trojan Horse

After ten long years laying siege to the unyielding walls of Troy, the brave Greeks were growing weary. When at last all seemed lost, clever Odysseus dreamt up a most improbable plan. Side by side the Greeks worked in secret to construct a great wooden horse, an ostensible sign of their surrender. Knowing the Trojans would blinded by their pride, Odysseus hid his mightiest warriors within the great wooden beast, the seeds of Troys destruction. That night, with the horse within its walls, Troy was put to the sword. The Trojans, it seemed, were as foolish as they were formidable.

The Band plays "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" by Hotei Tomoyaso
The Band forms a horse head
Jumbotron: "Trojan Horse"

3. Trojan Condoms

Though long since burnt to the ground, the walls of Troy still serve as a symbol of all things impregnable. On tv and radio, the Trojan man stands firm against the advances of youthful indiscretion. And like the walls of Troy, they may hold up ninety-nine percent of the time, but that one percent failure quickly becomes the only memorable event. As it is with walls, as it is with condoms, so it is with Pete "the Trojan Man" Caroll.

The Band plays "Take Me Out" by Franz Ferdinand
The Band forms PETE which changes to PWND

4. Stanford beats U$C

2007 seemed a doubtful year for the Cardinal to surmount undefeated U$C- coach Jim Harbaugh's first year rebuilding Stanford into the formidable force it had once been. And so, on a sunny October's day, Stanford's players strode boldly into the colliseum to the hateful sneers voices of eighty-five thousand Trojan fans, chins held high to stand their ground against the unbeatable juggernaut. With the last seconds ticking off the clock, Tavita Prichard launched a fateful pass over the heads of the unrelenting foe. With a mighty leap Mark Bradford pulled the ball from it's spiralling arc and as his foot came down within the endzone, the jeering fell to silence punctuated only by the sweet refrain All Right Now.

The Band plays "Our House" by Madness
The Band forms "24" which changes to "23"

5. UW beats U$C
Washington was coming off a downtrodden year. Whereas coach Tyrone Willingham had managed to lead Stanford to the Rose Bowl, he only led the Huskies to twelve consecutive losses. But redemption is always a Saturday away, especially when U$C comes to town. Taking down the Trojans is always good for what ails you. Oregon State can also attest to that. Just remember Huskies, we were ruining U$C's season before it was trendy.

The Band plays "Well All Right" by Santana
The Band forms BCS! which changes to BUST
Jumbotron: "We can all agree- USC Sucks"

Join us next week when we point out the secret socialist imagery hidden in the reliefs of Pauley Pavilion. Until then, you've been watching The One, The Only, The Turly Incomparable, Leland Stanford Junior...University Marching Band!

Stay tuned for some serious truth-telling.

Nice legs.

It's terrifying how a wig, a dress, a razor, and some makeup can transform an ordinary man into Marilyn Monroe.

But I digress.

This last Saturday saw Stanford football dominate Washington, 34-14. LSJUMB was there in traditional style, this week sporting an armada of bright-eyed new freshmen. It was the second week for our new-and-improved-and-also-longer-and-more-tiring-but-still-pretty-sweet cadence, wherein we send off the football team, circle the stadium pre-game and play for some tailgaters, and then kill time drinking gatorade, eating powerbars, and rolling down grassy hills.

Due to some glitches in the system, we ended up with an extended nine minutes for our pregame show. Swine flu jokes? Check. Giant prop pig? Check. Wings for giant pig? Check. Giant prop Squirrel? Uh... check. Hot squirrel on pig action? Well... Shotgun will post the script details for you eventually. Halftime featured some jokes on the always great topic of how lame U$C is, something that Stanford and Washington fans alike could certainly enjoy.

As always, the game ended but the band played on.

A little clarity

As you may have gathered from that link. There was quite an incident at Kal on Friday night. HOW-EVA, the article left out a few key details, chiefly: WE GOT THE LEAVES BACK. Kal fans went 0 for 3 in leaf theft thanks to Seth, the Band's advisor, CJ, our fearless Propz, and Bollox, our resident MMA fighter/snare sexion leader. Also, we liberated one the so-called lumberjacks' axe. We're still not entirely sure as to why they were there. They must have thought that they were at Humboldt State or something. Quite frankly, that was the angriest I've seen Kal fans in awhile, and they won too. Though they must have been alot angrier the next day.

The Daily Californian :: Three Arrested After Scuffle With Stanford Tree Mascot

The Daily Californian :: Three Arrested After Scuffle With Stanford Tree Mascot

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Scripts for San Jose State

As promised here was our pregame show:

SJSU PREGAME: Welcome, Freshmen!

and now, back from a summer of keeping vigil at Neverland Ranch, it's TOTOTTILSJUMB...

1. Internet Piracy

Well Freshman, as Stanford slashes budgets to keep up with the dying economy, the school's been making changes, and we're here this evening to help guide you through them.

Some of you may have been looking forward to unlimited bandwidth to illegally download the complete works of Miley Cyrus. Unfortunately, Stanford has been forced to revoke all student internet access. So, if you want to engage in music piracy, you're just going to have to do it the old fashioned way: strap-on an eye patch and board ye nearest galleon to Best Buy.

Song: Shipping up to Boston
Formation: Pirate face w/ eyepatch
Video Board: "Piracy was more fun the old fashioned way!"

2. $$Vaden$$

Your RA has surely recommended Vaden Student Health Services for all for your "private" health needs. Most students visit Vaden once a quarter for their allotment of a dozen free Trojans, watch out! if you're Huskie sometimes they break! But, budget cuts have forced Vaden to levy a $167 fee on all undergrads, which means those dozen free hook-ups will now cost you more than 10 bucks a pop. You know, it's a lot cheaper to be just friends.

Song:
Formation: PAY->PLAY
Video Board: "It's cheaper to be just friends!"


3. Pest Control

Stanford's squirrel population has driven acorn reserves dangerously low; and budget cuts have left us unable to protect our precious nuts. Therefore, the freshman IHUM program has announced that all freshmen with names A-M are now assigned to IHUM 43a: Introduction to Pest Control. Slingshots are available in the bookstore; show up to your first section with a squirrel in hand. As a bonus, you can sell your squirrel meat to Stern Dining!


Song:
Formation: Slingshot, shoots tubas, possibly also shoot t-shirts into the stands
Video Board: "IHUM 43a: Intro to Pest Control"

4. SLAC

Stanford and the Department of Energy have always had a working relationship with SLAC: the Stanford Linear Accelerator, unfortunately neither the government nor the university can afford to maintain the two miles of pipeline needed to accelerate experimental particles. So now Freshman physics students will report to directly to SLAC and earn valuable extra credit holding atoms and running into each other at great speeds.

Song:
Formation: Box, bandies holding atoms run into one another
Video Board: focus on colliding bandies

Outro: Breaking news, a new round of of budget slashing has cut ALL funding from student activities groups. Guess you'll just have to join the Band, Monday nights, 7 PM, at the Band shak, see you there! YBWTOTOTTILSJUMB

And here was our halftime:

Mark: Aaaaand now back from...

Kanye: Yo, Mark, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best halftimes shows of all time! One of the best halftimes shows of all time!

Mark: Shut up, Kanye, it's TOTOTTILSJUMB!

To deal with the many problems facing America today, we're going to look to historical precedents for solutions.

VIDEO BOARD, throughout show: "Warning: This show may contain satire."

1. The Great Wall

First up: illegal immigration! Looking to history, we realized that China's Ming Dynasty built the Great Wall to keep the marauding Mongolians at bay. Clearly, we too can just build a wall to keep invaders out. Wait… what’s that? The Mongolians conquered China anyway? I guess we should go back to the drawing boards.

Song:

Formation: Wall, people (wearing blue and gold?) running across the wall

2. King Solomon

Discussions surrounding Justice Sotomayor's appointment revolved around judicial impartiality. Arguments in the confirmation hearings that emotions should not be able to swing a Supreme Court decision. A valid sentiment, which dates back to the time of Biblical King Solomon, who, when presented with a maternity suit, simply decided to hack the neonate in twain. Oh… he didn’t actually hack a neonate in twain? Well, let’s just move on…

Song:

Formation: Stick figure splits in half

3. Prohibition

Next up, the War on Drugs. Drugs bring the worst out of us, tearing families apart and destroying our society. We can think of another substance that leads to this moral decay: alcohol. We find guidance in our own past in the Prohibition, totally banning all alcohol to fight the problems from the source. Oh, is that wrong as well? It led to unparalleled crime and rampant corruption? Well, maybe it’ll work out better this time…

Song: Drunken Lullabies

Formation: Bottle-> Syringe

Video Board: "This is your brain on drugs." (Focus on enthusiastic bandie)

4. Socialized Medicine

With the growing controversy surrounding health care, the nation has never been more divided. Some support a single payer system while others believe the government should just stay away from medicine. In looking for a historical precedent we realized France and Britain already tried the socialized option, and since then it's been nothing but forced euthanasia and brillo-pad sponge baths! What's that? Their life expectancies rank considerably better than ours, and they pay less? Hmmm... maybe we'll have to think about this some more...

Song:

Formation: Cross->Heart

5. Caste System

Tired of seeing people forced to live in the streets? Well so are we! Fortunately, ancient civilizations solved this problem thousands of years ago. All we have to do to cure our empathy is adopt a caste system! Feel bad for the man lying in the street corner? Well you shouldn’t, his previous life was one of sin and he finally got what’s coming to him. We don’t need social services to help them; they should find nirvana themselves.

Song:

Formation: HOBO->HAHA

Outro: Tune in next week for when we campaign for a retroactive Oscar for Patrick Swayze's autobiographical role in Ghost. Until then, you've been watching TTOTTILSJUMB

Awesome possum.

Midweek recap

Hey there funksters, The Band's had a great time getting back together and beginning a year anew.

Saturday was Stanford's home opener (a resounding victory for the Cardinal against San Jose State) and coincidentally was also the Band's first football game of the year, halftime shows and all. Look for the scripts.

Monday was Frosh Rehearsal and over 200 people were there. That's right, the Band was ten score strong on Monday. We can only hope it will stay that way, to properly train a full army of rock for when we trek to Oregon State in October.

Look for more updates as football games and field rehearsals come and go.

Pahk the cah at Hahvahd squay-ah

"You want us to play at your wedding? We play at weddings, where is it? Martha's Vineyard? Oh wow, that's kind of far away... you'll cover the entire travel expense? Wait, really? That's airfare for about 30 peo...oh, you're an investment banker. Ok."

I assume that one side of a conversation sounded something like this when our manager first got a call about this rally. If not, then it at least played through all of our internal dialogs for an entire weekend, when band traveled to MARTHA'S FREAKIN' VINEYARD to play at a wedding. Wait, did I say wedding? I meant wedding party. Oops, I meant REHEARSAL DINNER. That's right, somebody shelled out the big bucks to transport 30 people from San Francisco to Boston to Martha's Vineyard, and house us for two nights. A few stragglers like me flew in separately (I was home in Iowa), and we picked up a few locals along the way, but still. It was ridiculous.

We were so hyped up on the absurdity of the situation that even the rain couldn't dampen our spirits. And it rained a lot on the island. Even the awkward bus stop in the middle of a pitch-black field at night couldn't bring us down, although some began to suspect that this trip was an elaborate plot by a very wealthy enemy to assassinate the band. Thankfully the ninjas only managed to take out a few drums before band subdued them. We eventually made it to the rehearsal dinner, where we proceeded to rock the fancy pants off every member of the audience. Afterwards, the hosts treated us to some of their fine beverages while we socialized with the German dancers (Sie tragen Lederhosen). Eventually we made it back to our house(s) for the night, ate lobster, hung out with our awesome groundskeeper Spike, smoked cigars, and passed out.

We found our way back to the mainland the next day. We figured those poor bastards up at Hahvahd could use some funk, so we rallied around Cambridge and on their campus. They, of course, loved us. Punks chant : "It's not too late / To transfer schools!" Then we flew home. The end.